A Hard Day's Knight.

Hello,

It's been a while, but I'm still here, are you? Due to the particularly wet weather I think I've started to grow fins, but not like old fins, these are a new design. I guess fins ain't what they used to be!

Okay, now that I've got that out of my system, let's get on. What the heck is going on with this new Iraq enquiry? All this arguing about WMDs and no one has asked the main question: If Saddam had 'em, why didn't he use 'em?

End of!

Good Cop/Bad Cop

I saw an episode of CSI:Miami last night starring Sean 'Puff Daddy/P Diddy/The Artist Formerly Known As A Penis' Combs as a defence attorney. He was bad. REALLY bad. Anyhoo, this is not about him, it's about bad writing.

Mr Coombs had to defend Eric 'Man Of Wood' Delko and say nice things about him in a manly-yet-straight way that would bring a lump to your throat, such as how he got shot in the head but still carried on as a cop (honest, I couldn't make THAT up!) when he could have sued the city & become rich.

All supposed to reflect a feeling of self-sacrifice and bravery.

Then I put a DVD of The West Wing on, series 3. Leo is offered a deal to avoid national humiliation in exchange for getting President Bartlet to accept a censure, his reply:"I take a bullet for the President, he doesn't take on for me". Later on we learn thru flashbacks that it was Leo who got Bartlet to run, showing him the phrase 'Bartlet For America' written on a napkin.

At the end of the episode, the Prez agrees to accept the censure and gives Leo a gift - the napkin framed. He then leaves as we see Leo start to break down and cry, his armour proof against all threats except friendship.

Now granted we're talking different leagues of acting, but as examples of how to do & not to do something, they were hard to beat. It also showed what a fine actor John Spencer was, and he'll be sadly missed.

Theatre Of Hate!

As some of you may know (those that have read my previous entry anyway) I am appalled at the fall in standards in theatre audiences. (I long ago gave up on cinema ones!)

Well, I experienced a new 'low' last week. I went to see a friend acting in a new play at the local theatre. I went with a friend and my mother, who though a pensioner, would kick Vin Diesel's ass. we were all snuggly, the lights had just gone down & a family of four turned up & couldn't find their seat.

The usher just shoved them into the row behind us, which was empty anyway. So far, so no problem.

Then the kids started opening their sweetie bags....

I never knew so much noise could be made. My mother made the remark "I hope they're not going to make that racket all the way through" but the parents behind failed to take the hint, so after 5 minutes of noise I shushed 'em!

The dad responded with a neighbourly "shut it!".
Demonstrating my superior wit, I snapped back: "You shut it!"
He parried with a snarling: "What'd you say?"
I riposted with: "We're in a theatre mate!"
He returned with: "Then ask politely!"
Leaving me to volley home the point: "I did!!!"

Game, set & match to me!

At the intermission, he did have the grace to apologise, or as my friend put it, "Saw you were bigger than him".

Poor shmuck didn't realise, if he'd started anything my Ma would'a kicked his ass but good. Word!

That aside, this was a married, middle-aged father of two. If that's what he's like in public, how can we expect better from so-called chavs?

The Last Days Of Empire

Hello!

A friend of mine recently said he planned to do some stand up, I mis-heard and thought he'd said: 'Sticks-ups', which was worrying for 2 reasons. Firstly, he's a very nice guy who'd make a lousy crook, and secondly I was carrying a lot of cash on that particular day.

Silly me, but still, doing stand up? How brave is that? I think it's one of those things, like writing a novel or being in a band, that we've all sort of thought about but never done.

Well my mate has inspired me, I'm going to give it a go too!

Keep reading for further developments.......

Theatre Etiquette

Went to the local theatre this week and something struck me, it was the guy on the door who said "Ticket first, you swine!", but I digress. Anyway, I was watching a perfectly good play but it was difficult to hear above the 'coughing chorus' going on.

Rule of the Badger when going to the theatre: Take some bleeding throat sweets!!!

I always carry mints and when it's the West End or Stratford, Locketts, as I believe there is an unofficial charter between actors and audience.

They as a company promise to give the best performance they can, while we as an audience promise to give them silence, unless it's a comedy, and applause when required.

I don't think it's too much to ask, for them and ourselves. Once I asked a man in front of me if he wouldn't mind refraining from tapping & waving his programme about as it was constantly in my eye line. It was a matinee and a sparsely populated one at that, but instead of just putting it down, he replied: "What, this is bothering you?" like I was asking him to stop breathing.

Instead of punching him (my first instinct, I'm very passionate about theatre AND manners) I glowered at him & said "YES!"

Later on I realised that what I should have said was "Exactly WHY do you need to do that anyway?"

It is a good thing guns are banned in this country, because several people would be shot in the theatres and cinemas would see more bloodbaths off-screen than on!

Got to go, I'm off to the cinema. Now then, where did I put my Walther PPK and silencer....?

Isn't it Ironic?

Saw Field Of Dreams on ITV1 last week, it was a Saturday afternoon, and right in the middle of SPOILER ALERT!!! the row on book burning at the gym featuring Amy Madigans character her line:"At least he is not a book burner, you Nazi cow!" was cut.
This I could understand if someone thought the phrase "Nazi cow" might offend, well, Nazis or cows, but 2 minutes later her character says to Kevin Costner "Did you see me call her a 'Nazi cow'?"

So a double irony there. Not only did ITV censor a remark made in a debate about censorship, they left it in later.

On another point, I'd forgotten just how damn good a film it was. Burt Lancaster made one of the best cameos I've ever seen, and in his last film! James Earl Jones, Ray Liotta, Frank Whalley & our Kev. Marvellous. If I had one criticism, it would be where was Jackie Robinson? Although it must be conceded, he was of a later era.

Hypocrisy as a Virtue

A few weeks ago a 'Big Boss' came around the office to talk at us about new upheavals in the future. To protect the innocent I'll call him 'Del Boy' as he shrugged just like Del Boy. Anyhoo, Del Boy gave the usual flannel and then took questions which he preceded to dodge with, it must be said, an admirable skill, sort of like Muhammad Ali in his younger days.

One thing stuck in my mind, and it wasn't the pencil I'd been ramming into my skull to stay sane. Del Boy said that 'they' (the mis-managment) had not ruled out any department when it came to 'outsourcing' work.

First off, isn't 'outsourcing' a great word? Who first coined it and why? He was American, that much we know, but even there they now realise that 'outsourcing' causes more problems than it solves, the main one being that you have most of your workforce & structure in another country!

Secondly, why is it that 'no department is ruled out', except management? Why do we never 'outsource' the Bosses?

Given the credit crunch, I think it's time we considered it. Granted, historically outsourcing leaders has had mixed results, for every General Bernadotte or Barack Obama(!) , there's a Hitler or Stalin, but I think it's worth a try.

You heard it here first.......